Q: You've written that women really notice whether a man is confident or not, and you said something about faking it until you get more comfortable with talking to attractive women. How can anyone fake confidence? What are some tips on the best ways to approach a woman I find physically attractive in a more confident manner?
A: Yes, we women can notice whether a man is confident or not within five minutes of speaking with him. And in our minds (and most men's minds as well), no characteristic is sexier than confidence. But please don't confuse confidence with arrogance. Don't ever speak to a woman as if she's below your standards. To exude confidence means that you can speak to a lady without being nervous and not treat her as if you're making your move. Be sure to pay close attention when she's doing the talking. And never rudely interrupt.
A key point to remember is to treat any woman you're romantically interested in as if she were one of your buddies'a peer. Please don't treat any woman as a mere object of desire or a masturbatory tool. Women want to be approached by men who have their acts together, physically, emotionally and mentally. Horndogs, beware: Your sleazy techniques may land you occasional one-night stands'and a few STDs'but you'll never meet the woman of your dreams that way. Here's the tricky part: You can't be a supernice guy all the time either. Exuding confidence means you let others know that you think well enough of yourself to deserve the very best life has to offer. In the love game, women eat that up because they want to think of themselves as the very best life has to offer.
Here are some helpful tips on how to appear more confident'even if you really have doubts about your self-esteem. Practice them daily, and the behavior will become second nature.
1) Always look her straight in the eye. You can divert your gaze intermittently so that she doesn't become uncomfortable, but remember that nothing shows greater interest than looking in the eyes of the person you're talking with.
2) Flash those pearly whites, but keep your smiles friendly. One of the biggest turnoffs is a guy whose grin says, 'Oh, yeah, I'm getting me some of that tonight.' Yuck!
3) Practice perfect posture. Be proud, man! Hold those shoulders back and that head high. More than 60 percent of our communication is nonverbal, so check your posture in the mirror daily to make sure you're putting out the vibes you want women to pick up on. You'll be amazed at how much better you feel about yourself as well.
4) Watch those nervous, annoying little habits you may have acquired over the years. Do you scratch parts of your body or make irritating sounds when you become anxious? Ask a friend to double-check that for you. You may do things you're not even aware of, so figure out what they are and stop doing them.
5) If you're talking with a girl and another guy comes up, don't just walk away. That's the cock-of-the-walk scenario, and the guy with the most testosterone'or biggest balls'is usually the big-daddy cock. Don't be intimidated. Stand your ground until you decide it's time to make your exit or until the lady asks you to.
6) Remember to treat her as a peer'not a potential date. Keep the conversation on topics other than relationship issues. And for God's sake, don't start whining about anything, especially failed relationships. Keep the topics uplifting and jovial. In the subtlest way make yourself appear to be Mr. Wonderful at home, work and play.
7) Keep in tune with her conversation. Get just as excited, serious, happy, sad and so on as she is when she's talking to you. Don't be fake about anything, though.
8) Now here's a great technique that most guys should really brush up on. Have you ever gotten the line, 'I've got to go to the restroom; I'll be right back'? If she has to go somewhere in the middle of your conversation, don't put up a fuss. If she insists she'll be right back, give her five minutes. If she takes any longer than that, move on to someone else with no hard feelings. If you know without a doubt you two were getting along great, though, wait for her from a different location where you can see her but she can't immediately see you. If she does come back and is looking for you, you can then step forward and pick up where you left off. If she doesn't come back, at least you won't be standing there like her little puppet on a string.
9) Another great confidence-building technique is to pretend that you already have a girlfriend who is beautiful inside and out. If you can simulate that mental state, it will come shining through to the woman you're interested in. That attitude will convey the message, 'I date girls of your caliber all the time, and you have not yet impressed me.' At that point it will be up to her to work hard at trying to impress you, not the other way around. Begin bathing yourself in these esteem-building techniques today. Very soon you'll drip with true self-confidence'and make women drip as well.
Editor's note: Laura Moore is IRONMAN's resident sexpert, a science writer for Penthouse, the host of the radio talk show 'The Health Nuts' and the author of Sex Heals. Send your questions and comments to her at thefitdiva.com.