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Chatting Up and Getting Down

From conversation to infatuation to…

Q: Can you please offer some advice on how to approach women? I’m very shy when it comes to meeting new people, especially when I’m expected to carry on an interesting conversation with a beautiful woman. Normally I feel that I have great social skills, but something happens to me that makes me freeze up when I’m on a date or trying to get a date. I feel like such a moron when that happens. Are there any tricks of the trade that you can share with a bashful guy who’s desperate for a meaningful relationship with a woman?

A: You need to discover what makes you feel the most self-confident and then make that a cornerstone for your future conversations with the fairer sex. What do you feel you are the best of the best at? What are you most passionate about? Is it your career? Your lifestyle? Your vast knowledge of a certain hobby? Once you figure that out, you can draw from the confidence you feel when you discuss those things. Just be sure to bring up the topic in a way that doesn’t make you seem arrogant or would make your potential lady friend uncomfortable.

Examples: Don’t say, ‘Nobody can skin and gut a deer like I can.’ Do say, ‘I really enjoy the outdoors, and I go hunting occasionally. How do you feel about that?’ (Sometimes it’s good to go ahead and get the potentially controversial topics out in the open in the beginning of a relationship. You don’t want to date someone who despises a hobby that you are passionate about. And don’t ever ask a woman you want to start a conversation with a yes-or-no question. That gives her an easy way out. Instead, ask her opinion on a topic. That will boost her ego and get her lips to flappin’.) Don’t say, ‘Weight training is my life! Nothing comes before my efforts to build my physique.’ Oh, really? Then why in the world would any woman want anything to do with you if she couldn’t at least think she could be first in your life? Do say, ‘I consider health and fitness to be a very important part of my life. You look like you do too. What do you think about the latest exercise crazes and diets?’ (Then mention some that are worthy of discussion, such as Tae-Bo or the Zone diet so you will appear to know what you’re talking about.)

Another trait that will help you with women is to become more empowered sexually. I’m not just talking about learning how to get a piece of ass. You should read all you can on how to increase your orgasmic pleasure and your lover’s, learn interesting sex trivia, study the physiology of sexual organs (male and female) and be up to date on the latest supplements, foods, exercises, devices and so forth that can enhance lovemaking. You don’t have to share all of this information with a woman you are just meeting (actually, I advise against it unless she brings up sex first), but just having the knowledge of those things will greatly increase your self-confidence when it comes to speaking with women. You can think in the back of your head, ‘Baby, if you only knew that I would have to peel you off the ceiling when I finished making love to you, you would take me down right now.’ (This tactic only works for the truly bashful men who need that extra boost of confidence and would never let on that they really feel that way. Men who don’t have trouble conversing with gorgeous women should not perform this mental exercise. You’d come across as too arrogant. Big turnoff.)

Your sexual prowess is probably the biggest factor of your manhood. You must be comfortable with who you are sexually and with your knowledge of all things sexual. Women can smell fear, and they will exploit it if you allow them to. In order to even the playing field, I suggest you read books such as The Multi-Orgasmic Man, The Scent of Eros and anything else that you find intriguing about sex. Go to your local bookstore and browse through the relationship and sex sections. Who knows? You may even meet a like-minded lady there.

The most meaningful conversations I’ve had with men always centered on sex. Of course, since I’m a sexpert, I’m pretty open to the topic, but many of my girlfriends tell me the same thing. Women don’t want to talk dirty or about things that are too personal, though. Please don’t ever ask a woman how many partners she has had or if she has ever gotten it on with another woman in the early stages of your relationship, no matter how comfortable you think she feels in talking about sex. It’s none of your business, and I can guarantee she will be offended by such questions whether she lets on or not. Instead, talk about sex in generalities. Discuss different studies you have read about sex. Sex improves one’s immune system. Sex can help you lose weight. But don’t say, ‘I feel like I’m getting a cold. Would you give me an orgasm?’

Recently, I had the opportunity to speak with a gentleman who caused me to seriously consider pursuing a relationship with him just because he pushed all the right buttons with me (knowingly or not). He asked me polite questions about what I tell people about sex and then offered valuable feedback. We treated the topic of sex respectfully and enjoyably’and like grown-ups. And even though we were being as general and as academic as possible in our discussion, I could not help the fact that I was about to slide right out of my chair. Everyone is interested in sex. It’s an innate desire that fuels every part of our being. Learn more about how to become more in tune with your sexual nature and you will find that women are much more receptive to you. But skip the pimp hat and the loud silk shirts.

Editor’s note: Laura Moore is a science writer for IRONMAN and Penthouse magazines and She’s the host of the radio show ‘The Health Nuts,’ which airs in the southeastern United States. Address your sex-fitness-related questions to her by visiting

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