Warning: The following information is explicit and may offend some readers.
Q: I'm 22 years old, and my girlfriend and I are both virgins. We have attempted to have sex three times but have been unsuccessful. I have two problems: Either I get too aroused and orgasm by manual stimulation prior to sex, or, as on the last two occasions, I can't stay erect. I know that I love my girlfriend, and I'm physically attracted to her. We've talked about what the problem might be. We were friends for almost three years before we started to date. Could that have any effect? I'm so nervous now that I can't enjoy myself. What's worse is that my girlfriend is starting to think it's her fault. Your insight would be much appreciated.
A: I don't know how to break this to you, but if you and your girlfriend have been so intimate with each other that you've had orgasms, you've already had sex. I suppose you could call yourselves 'insertion virgins,' but sex is in your heart and soul. It doesn't matter if you insert your penis into her vagina or if you pleasure each other with your hands, fingers, mouths, tongues, toes or even lustful gazes and words. People can even be sexually involved over phone lines and the Internet. That's just geography'sex transcends all boundaries.
So, see, there's nothing to be nervous about. You're already a seasoned sexual being. What you need to concentrate most on now is simply loving each other more and more. I can practically guarantee everything else will fall into place naturally. Just remember to take things very slowly. During foreplay it would be a good idea not to stimulate your penis much at all, since it's so sensitive. Instead, focus most of your attention on pleasing your girlfriend. That's a great way for both of you to become aroused. Then when you feel it's time to try for intercourse, you'll certainly be erect enough. If you feel that you may orgasm too quickly when you enter her, be focused enough to slow down and back off. It will be an incredible sensation for you (so I'm told), so don't blame yourself if you do come quickly that first time. Perfect practice makes perfect.
Ah, young love! You two are going to have so much fun learning how to please each other. Savor each other like a fine wine or the most decadent dessert. Make each sexual liaison you have last and last. And always remember, sex is experienced on the inside, not just in your genitals.
Q: I need help! Whenever I'm around attractive women, I become shy and nervous. Honestly, I feel like I could puke sometimes. I've been told I'm an attractive guy. I'm no Jay Cutler, but I hold my own. Are there some tips you can share with me on how to start a conversation with a lady without losing my cool and sounding like a complete idiot? Also, when would it be appropriate after talking with a girl to ask her for a date or to come over to my place?
A: Attractive women don't bite'usually. Why be nervous around them? Believe me, we all have our issues with self-esteem, and attractive women are probably the world's worst when it comes to conquering them. They thrive on men noticing them and trying to approach them, no matter how much they may protest to the contrary. They need you. They desperately want your attention.
Understandably, it hurts to get shot down when you approach a woman, but do you really want to be in a relationship with a bitch? Consider quick brush-offs a blessing and head on to the next chick. But pick a lady you feel you really have a chance with. You need a few successes under your belt to help you get over your nervousness. Women don't respect men who exude anything less than confidence. You may have to fake it for a while, but that's okay.
One pickup technique that works well for men is to act 'cocky and funny.' Practice that the next time you're in a checkout line and there's a cute cashier. When she asks, 'How are you?' as most employees should, reply with, 'Oh, do you mean besides being incredibly handsome and sexy? I'm doing great!' And give her a big smile and maybe roll your eyes. She'll most certainly laugh and thereby initiate a real'although short'conversation. Once you realize how women are naturally drawn to your cocky-and-funny personality, all traces of tension should vanish when you see a lady you wish to approach.
Now, about the best time to ask for a date or invite a lady over to your place. Which one is it? Asking a lady out for a date is appropriate at any time. That implies that you wish to entertain her and woo her. Asking a lady over to your place implies that you want to get your freak on. I would save that one until at least after you have had the first date with her.
Editor's note: Laura Moore is IRONMAN's resident sexpert, a science writer for Penthouse, the host of the radio talk show 'The Health Nuts' and the author of Sex Heals. Send your questions and comments to her at thefitdiva.com.